When my husband was first diagnosed with leukemia, I did not consider myself a caregiver. I was a mother and a wife. But the reality of constant care and daily hospital runs settled in like a cool fog, clouding my ability to see life beyond the next pillbox.

I was fortunate in that my in-laws and parents were able to help me through these challenging times, but there were so many others who also wanted to know, how can I help?

I first responded by sharing with them how they could help the patient, my husband. Send cards and e-mails, not too many books, reading was difficult. Flowers were ok. Meals from the neighbors were fine too. But it never dawned on me they were also asking how can I help you?

My husband has since died, but as a single mother, I have still been the recipient of many heartfelt efforts. I am still a caregiver, learning mainly how to care for myself again. In the interest of speaking for the caregiver, I will finally answer "how can I help you?"

. Steer clear of the phrase, "How can I help?" In my husband's last days, I was consumed by being with him. After his death, I was consumed with paperwork. I didn't want to think, I wanted someone to do that for me.

.If there are children involved, offer to sit for them while the couple goes out. Offer to take the children somewhere, as they are often in need of a diversion, there need to live, regardless of who has died.

.Do something for the family to keep the memory alive. Talking about the deceased is the best therapy for anyone who is grieving. My son relishes in stories that his grandparents often share, including one where his father broke his arm and needed a cast. This was a memory that I was unaware, but it helped to ease my son's thoughts about his own accident where he fractured three fingers and subsequently had them cast.

.If their loved one has died, do something to keep the memory alive. We can't all found the Susan Kaman Foundation, but we can pursue a passion that belonged to the deceased, or perhaps we can reflect on our own journeys and what we are supposes to learn from this and use this energy to find our passion.

.Give them space to be alone. Continue to make the offers, regardless of how many times you've been spurned. I can say many times I said no, but on the occasion that I did, I was thankful that someone continued to ask. My best friend today continues to line up sitters so we can still go out without feeling the weight of guilt.

.Get to know the caregiver, as a separate entity from the deceased, from the grief. Those relationships of mine that focused on me and my interests were so gratifying and helped me redefine my life

.I always give one last piece of advice to friends coping with a tragedy in the family or circle of friends. "Do what's in your heart." The caregiver will feel this gesture in a way that flowers can't replicate.

About the Author

Annette Wick was ill-prepared for the challenge of reclaiming her life after her young husband died of leukemia. Learn more about the struggle of a young widow in her new book, I'll Be in the Car, available from http://www.threearchpress.com